Fatherhood Incoming

My baby boy is due in less than two months. My nerves are wracked, my body is frazzled, and my anxiety is at an all time high. I know it sounds typical but I do not feel ready for this and I am not sure how to make my brain react appropriately. All new parents say that though, at least that is what everyone tells me. I suppose that is meant to be some type of consolation that I am not the only person to have these kinds of fears but I still have them even knowing that they are common.

AdobeStock_97018371.jpeg

The last time I posted to this blog was when the baby was only ten weeks old inside his mother. So much has happened since then, yet no time seems to have passed at all. First, we know he is a boy now. We also know what his first name is going to be, Oliver. We are still un-decided on a middle name but we do want him to take our last name “Hill”.

Oliver Hill, he is going to be great. Not that every child is not great, but I am super excited to meet this one in particular. The happiness that thinking about him gives me is usually enough to alleviate the stress of everything else happening in life right now. However the closer we get to the due date the more I realize I am not prepared for the massive life changes that are coming. I don’t know if I will be able to keep my current job, as the company I work for is not willing to work with me on a different schedule after the baby is born. Thankfully I do get a full month off for paternity leave so that will give me a little bit of time to prepare for the worst and find something new if I need to. The thought of a new job and a new baby all at once is just overwhelming my anxiety in ways that are hard to describe. It probably does not help that I type these words while my brain is foggy with a head cold.

My whole life I have craved for somebody to come around and just make everything better. I know that is not something realistic to ever hope for but it sure would be nice. I feel like I have been fighting for as long as I have been alive. Yes, most of that fighting has been against my own demons but the fighting that hurts is when I have to fight to fit into society. I have never been good at that. I think I was born with a chip on my shoulder, perhaps I got that chip instead when I was broken as a child. Either way I really want to be able to just be happy with mediocrity and be able to not worry about all the things going on in the world. I long for the ability to shut my mind down and dive into mindless soul-sucking work with glee. Things would be so much simpler if I did not have to think all the time.

Do thinking those thoughts make me a bad person? Maybe. I know that to be strong I need to face the world and all the darkness it brings while still maintaining my decency. I try every day to do what feels right to those around me, even when it is not the easiest or best thing for my interests. I do not always succeed at this, but when I do I can at least feel a little better about myself. I hate myself for falling too deep into my mind until the point where it tortures me, but I love myself for how deep my mind can go and how creative it makes me. Silencing my mind would take away all the good with all the bad. I just don’t know if that is better for me or not.

I lost the plot on this one. I am going to post it anyway but maybe just not share it on social media. If you stumbled upon this, I am fine, just super stressed out and not knowing what to do next.

Ian and out!

The Depths of Imagination - Exploring an Infinite Universe

The human mind is an amazing thing, almost everyone can agree with this statement. The shear wonder of what is can create is astonishing. I have been wanting to write about how my mind works for a long time now. I am sure that mine works the same as many other peoples but as I am not a student of psychology I do not have a lot of information on the subject. Either way, here we go. I find myself very separated from reality in general. Introverted would be the common way to describe this and from my understanding this would be a very apt way to describe my interactions with the world. I do not relate to, or find emotional attachment to other humans.  I am sure this is a very common thing but not something I hear many people openly admitting to. I spend much of my time staring into space, most likely looking very vacant to the common passerby. Vacant is the worst way to describe my mind however as it is anything but. Inside this head of mine is multiple universes of my own creation. Characters, stories, locations, and timelines that stretch for thousands of years. Sometimes these people and places have detailed histories, sometimes they are just set decoration. There are stories in my head that have been cultivated for decades. Fantasies that have started small when I was just a wee lad and have grown in complexity over the years.  On any given day at least a few of these fictional universes are running simultaneously in my mind with the rest being put on pause until I come back to them later. Each of these stories gets a few more key plot points each day, the characters interact and learn life lessons.

I do not know for sure how many other people have such vivid fantasies or worlds in their heads but I am willing to bet most people do even if they are not always aware of it. For me these worlds are much more interesting than the one in which I actually live. Through my entire life I have been able to enter these worlds myself, it is not something I can easily describe to be honest. It is like being able to step through a portal and join the fictional characters directly. To me these worlds are as real as our own and when I step into them I living in a realm of my own creation. I am not actually sure what is happening with my own body when I do this. From the few times my parents had walked in on me in this state of mind as a child I remember it being described as looking like I was 'dancing'. I have always been embarrassed to enter my mind in this way when other people are around as I truly do not know what actions I am taking with my physical body, it is not something I am directly controlling when I enter into these planes of imagination.

I wish I knew if other people entered their minds in this way like I do. I feel as if this also might be something common, but I am not sure as nobody ever seems to describe this.  The entire reason I am writing this now is because I really would like to know if this experience is something I have in common with my fellow humans or if this is something more unique.

Either way, I love the way my brain works. The depth of my imagination has always been the favorite part of myself.  Exploring the depths of my mind, living in fantasy worlds and having adventures is thankfully something I have never had to give up upon growing older. It is something I would never want to give up as well, I could not imagine living a life in just one plane of existence. I am sure I could describe this in more detail but that would require many more words than I care to write at the moment. If you are still reading this, thank you for your interest in the madness that is me. I wish I could bring other people with me on my adventures, maybe someday technology would allow such a thing.

In my mind it feels like....

...summer. I don't know why. But I have been rather optimistic and creative lately, a strange thing to be this time of year. I think having less distractions at home and a bit more space to roam around has relieved some stress in my life and made my mind open back up a bit. In a way I am glad my computer is down. I have to find other things to do, I have to think about things other than the random movies I download and games I play.

I started writing a song yesterday, I like it so far. I am still working on my short story as well. I have been writing every day and it feels great. I hope I can keep it up.

Now if only I could have some more money in my life, things would be just about perfect...