Fatherhood Incoming

My baby boy is due in less than two months. My nerves are wracked, my body is frazzled, and my anxiety is at an all time high. I know it sounds typical but I do not feel ready for this and I am not sure how to make my brain react appropriately. All new parents say that though, at least that is what everyone tells me. I suppose that is meant to be some type of consolation that I am not the only person to have these kinds of fears but I still have them even knowing that they are common.


The last time I posted to this blog was when the baby was only ten weeks old inside his mother. So much has happened since then, yet no time seems to have passed at all. First, we know he is a boy now. We also know what his first name is going to be, Oliver. We are still un-decided on a middle name but we do want him to take our last name “Hill”.

Oliver Hill, he is going to be great. Not that every child is not great, but I am super excited to meet this one in particular. The happiness that thinking about him gives me is usually enough to alleviate the stress of everything else happening in life right now. However the closer we get to the due date the more I realize I am not prepared for the massive life changes that are coming. I don’t know if I will be able to keep my current job, as the company I work for is not willing to work with me on a different schedule after the baby is born. Thankfully I do get a full month off for paternity leave so that will give me a little bit of time to prepare for the worst and find something new if I need to. The thought of a new job and a new baby all at once is just overwhelming my anxiety in ways that are hard to describe. It probably does not help that I type these words while my brain is foggy with a head cold.

My whole life I have craved for somebody to come around and just make everything better. I know that is not something realistic to ever hope for but it sure would be nice. I feel like I have been fighting for as long as I have been alive. Yes, most of that fighting has been against my own demons but the fighting that hurts is when I have to fight to fit into society. I have never been good at that. I think I was born with a chip on my shoulder, perhaps I got that chip instead when I was broken as a child. Either way I really want to be able to just be happy with mediocrity and be able to not worry about all the things going on in the world. I long for the ability to shut my mind down and dive into mindless soul-sucking work with glee. Things would be so much simpler if I did not have to think all the time.

Do thinking those thoughts make me a bad person? Maybe. I know that to be strong I need to face the world and all the darkness it brings while still maintaining my decency. I try every day to do what feels right to those around me, even when it is not the easiest or best thing for my interests. I do not always succeed at this, but when I do I can at least feel a little better about myself. I hate myself for falling too deep into my mind until the point where it tortures me, but I love myself for how deep my mind can go and how creative it makes me. Silencing my mind would take away all the good with all the bad. I just don’t know if that is better for me or not.

I lost the plot on this one. I am going to post it anyway but maybe just not share it on social media. If you stumbled upon this, I am fine, just super stressed out and not knowing what to do next.

Ian and out!

Welcome back...

My Face So here I am, living at home again. I really did not think my life would come down to this again but it has, so I am going to do the only thing that makes sense to do and make the best of it.

My goals for the next few months include studying to increase my job opportunities, get my creative side flowing again with some more videos and blogs as well as getting my license back. Hopefully before the end of the year I will be at least back on track with where I was in life before it all came crashing down again perhaps I will be doing even better.

The new adventure begins now!

Enabling Ian

This entire month I am taking 100 dollars out of each paycheck to save for a new computer. Being without a proper audio/video editing system is massively depressing. To say my computer is one of the most important things in my life might sound strange to the common person. You have to know me, my life is defined by technology. My computer is my entertainment it provides me with movies, tv, and video games. My computer is my social life. Facebook is the way I keep in contact with everyone I know, the internet is how I make new friends. My computer is my creative outlet. Creating web sites, writing, drawing, making music and movies are all things I rely on my computer for. In summary, my computer is my life. When I am without one, or when I have to depend on one that is ill-eqipped I am lost. Getting myself back up and running is more important than anything right now, it enables Ian to be Ian. So for two weeks now I have been learning to cope with living without spending money. I already know how to eat around 5-10 dollars worth of food per week. Now I am cutting out spending money on seeing movies or drinking with friends. It really isnt so bad. I feel like the longer I do it the easier it is getting. Before long living on 40 dollars a week will not be a problem at all.

So I am thinking that this new lifestyle of living on the fringe will become more permanent. If I can manage to put aside 100 dollars a week from now on I can get a lot of things done.

The big goal after my computer is back up is to get back on the road with a car of my own. Even putting aside that much money it will still take a while to accomplish. I have to get my license back, which means paying off old tickets and going through whatever fines may have built up over the years. Then there is the act of saving for a car. I am hoping to be driving again by years end.

After that I plan to tackle my debt. The only problem I foresee with this plan will be if I loose my job. Not something I expect anytime soon, I doubt any jobs are secure these days though.