10 Weeks In...

Hello Internet, Thanks for stopping by to read my blog. I love you all <3

We are ten weeks into our pregnancy now and we finally got the first picture of our growing baby. I don’t plan to over-share a lot of baby photos in the future but since this is the first photo of it, I had to share.

The ultra-sound technician labeled this… In case we were not sure what it was..

The ultra-sound technician labeled this… In case we were not sure what it was..

Obviously a still image does not do justice to the experience of actually seeing this little peanut move around inside of my lovely wife live on the ultrasound, but at least it is a glimpse we can hang on to for our memories.

I know it is a standard thing to say, but I cannot really describe the kind of joy I felt getting to look at our little alien creature for the first time. I read somewhere that the pregnancy feels real for the mother as soon as she finds out she is pregnant but for the father it is when you see the first ultrasound. I thought maybe this was not accurate but based on how my thoughts on this changed since seeing it, I think maybe that old advise is correct.

Anyway, we are happy. If you have any naming suggestions leave them in the comments below or send me an email -> ian@greenglassesproductions.com

<3 Love Ian

The Seed Shall Come

Consider this an announcement of sorts. Since I have sworn off posting anything too personal directly to social media I have not talked much in length publicly about the news that I will soon be a father. Honestly it is hard to know what to say that has not already been said by countless fathers countless times.

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All I know is that I am super excited, and that feeling is strange. When I was younger I never even thought I would have children. People always tell you that when you find the right person you will change your mind. Those people were right. However finding that common wisdom is true is a double edged sword to me. Another common bit of wisdom you hear often is that men are destined to become their fathers. If that is true then I fear for my child. Those that know me already are aware of my own struggles with my family, if you are not one of those people I will just summarize it as follows. I have been on a lifelong quest to prove that not all men are destined to become their fathers. Take that how you will.

My wife, Kim, and I only just recently started to try to have a child. We were told by the doctors that it may take months for her hormones to balance after removing her implanted birth control device. It turns out they were either way off on their estimate or my sperm and her eggs were just raring for a chance to re-produce. It only took a couple of “attempts” and suddenly we were pregnant. To say that we thought we would have at least a little more time to figure this out would be an understatement. It was good news nonetheless. Sure there are worries and anxieties about the process, the same ones I am sure every expectant parent has going into this adventure but those concerns pale in comparison to the joy I get when I think about the beautiful baby that is brewing my my best friends belly. I really don’t have the words to express how trans-formative this experience has been for me mentally even this early into the process. Every decision I make now is suddenly made under the consideration of a completely new and un-born life that is on the way. How will this effect our plans for the pregnancy? How might this impact or finances after the baby is born? Questions that I never considered before now flood my head and interject their way into my thought patterns. This is a good thing, I can sense the positive change in my mind and body taking form.

I will likely write much more on this subject in the future. We have not even had our first appointment with the OBGYN yet so we are still early stages to be sure. Plenty of more news and excitement to come. If you are friend or family and you want to wish us well feel free to give us a call or drop me a text. We are happy to share our joy with all.

Our First Child… Peppy, in his natural environment..

Our First Child… Peppy, in his natural environment..

Melting Down

Dreams for me seem to always uncover the underlying issues that I try so hard to avoid in my day to day life. Last night was no different as I found myself in a complete mental breakdown in the middle of a dream. It is no surprise to me that I would have a dream like this but it may mark the first time I can remember crying uncontrollably in a dream.

The best way I can classify my experience last night would be "anxiety nightmare". I am always battling my own anxiety and for the most part I have it under control. The issue of course being that the more I try to control it the harder I melt down when I lose control. Usually people say it is best to attack the underlying issues of your anxiety instead of just pushing it down into your sub-conscious but unfortunately there is really not much I can do about my life situation as of late other than power through and hope that I can last until things start to improve.

In the dream I was moving from my current residence, something that will be happening in real life in about a week or two. While moving I came back to the apartment to find that I had somehow left one of the cats alone for two days without feeding her. She was sick and clearly not doing well. Being that my cats are the only creatures that I have any genuine feelings for this hit me pretty hard. As the cat food had already been moved and I do not own a vehicle my first instinct was to try to reach out to my friends Kim and Jon to help me get some cat food to her as quickly as possible. Unfortunately being a dream my phone was not quite working as expected. I was trying to open Facebook messenger as that is usually the quickest way to get a hold of people in my life but I could not get to the home screen on the phone to launch the app. Every time I hit the "home" button it just closed the app it was in only to bring me to some other random app that was open underneath it. I furiously tried just hitting it over and over again only for the home screen to never appear. This is when I snapped.

I simply broke down (in the dream) and started bawling. It was all the anxieties of my mind manifest and I could not take it. I cried for what seemed like hours in the dream before waking up to realize we had not moved yet. I could not get back to sleep as my mind could not stop thinking about what had happened. I have been feeling a need to let loose emotionally lately but have been unable to do so while awake. In a way this dream may have provided the release my mind so desperately craved. However at the same time it made me face some of the troubles that I have been trying so hard to bury within my mind.

Life is not exactly great at the moment, I will not lie and try to say that it is. I am alive and I do have food and shelter so it is not as bad as it could be. However with my third move in under 6 months coming up here soon it is clear I am starting to lose control over my anxiety a bit. While parts of me are excited about moving (having a bed to sleep on again will be really really nice) most of me is dreading it completely.

All I can do is keep hanging on. I may not be getting anything that I want out of life but that is just how things have to be right now. It may take me years to be back to a point where I feel comfortable again in my life but those are years I have to face. There is nobody I can blame for my situation but myself and as such I have to keep pushing forward. Someday I will have a place to live again where I feel like I am at home, it may take a lot of hard work to get back to that but it will be worth it in the end.

For now I just have to focus on getting through the day without really getting any sleep, wish me luck!

Independence, Jogging, and In the Army Now...

So my independence day was pretty lame. At first I had plans to go job hunting and then hang out with Kim, those plans were quickly killed when I realized that the busses do not run on the 4th of July. So I tried a plan B type situation. I was talking to Cameron and trying to convince him to go see a movie with Kim and I. This would provide a ride to East Lansing as well as making it worthwhile for the ride giver. The plan was going great, Cameron seemed really excited about going to see a movie, we had picked our choices for what we wanted to see and looked up times and everything. Then all of the sudden he was like "Oh, it looks like my friend wants to hang out with me now, so... I will just let you hitch a ride over with me as I go to see him."

First of all, am I not Cameron's friend? Anyway, this did not bother me all that much since I was still getting a ride over to East Lansing. So I told Kim I would be on the way and waited for Cam to get around. Then all of the sudden he tells me he can't give me a ride anymore, he says he is going to West Lansing instead. God Damnit, I thought.

Anyway, in the end I could not find any way to get out of the house yesterday. It sucked. Everybody but Kim had plans already and I got stuck at home with my internet addiction.

But yeah, lately I have been jogging a lot. I think back on my life and I honestly can't think of any time I did a significant amount of running. It really shows. When I ride my bike I can go for miles and not get tired, when I walk I can go for hours with no problem. Yet when I jog I can't seem to get more than half a block without completely breaking down and running out of breath. Which I find really weird since when I go to the gym and run on the treadmill or the nordic track thingy I can always go for half an hour without stop.

It is weird. But oh well.

So yeah, today my dad has decided to take me to see an army recruiter. In case you are in the dark about this situation my dad was close to kicking me out of the house a month or two ago. He gave me the option of either joining the army of being kicked out to live on my own. Since I don't have a job right now and could not really survive on my own I told him I would "think about" joining the army. Unfortunately I have to keep the charade going that I want to join the army until I can save enough money to move out. Which means going to see a recruiter today.

Now, before anyone starts to worry too much about this prospect, let me assure you that nothing will be set into motion with the army just yet. I have some court issues that I need to have worked out before anything can happen with this anyway. Which can't be dealt with until sometime in the middle of August. So I have about a month and a half to find a way out of this, and if push comes to shove I can always just fail the physical.

But yeah... that is the current state of things...