Terminated

"We will no longer be requiring your services" All Job Prospects Shall Be EliminatedAll Job Prospects Shall Be Eliminated

That was how I found out I was losing my job. It was the end of my shift at the end of a fairly normal night for me at my most previous job. I did have some warning about this as I had been put on probation at said job two months prior but the news still hit me like a slap in the face. My first reaction was shock and later that day it turned to relief. After living for multiple months with uncertainty about my future at least now I finally knew my fate. During that time I was also dealing with some rough conditions brought on by previous bad life decisions which made the uncertainty about whether I would continue to have income even harder to endure. The stress was getting close to breaking me but I stuck with it the best I could and continued to try to improve at the job that I had grown to love. Unfortunately my best was simply not enough and the relief of knowing my fate was at best, bittersweet.

When I asked about why I was being terminated I got a generic "at will employment" response that offered me no solace. Without knowing exactly what I had done wrong it will be hard for me to improve in the future. I want to believe that I was simply not good at my job. I may have been delusional about my job performance for a while as I did feel I did good work and as far as I know I never had any complaints from fellow co-workers or clients about the work that I did. It was rare that I would get negative feedback about the work that I was doing and customer praise seemed to come in regularly. These factors may have contributed to me having an inflated sense of worth to the company I served. When I was put on probation however I was given a rude awakening. The reason for my probation was due to poor job performance. The circumstances of which were a bit muddled and I never got a clear answer on what I could do to improve said performance however this was the only negative feedback I had really gotten that seemed of substance so it is all I have to go on now when trying to understand where I had gone wrong.

I have a more crazy theory that there was something else about my place in the company that caused me to be let go. It was strange that after being put on probation for poor job performance the people who were in charge of rating my job performance and training me to be a better employee seemed to refuse to help. Pleas for more understanding fell on deaf ears as my emails for clarification about what I was doing wrong were ignored. Meetings that were supposed to take place during my probation to review my progress also never happened and my termination came about at 1 month before the end of my probation. All of these factors do make me think that there may have been a different reason than job performance for me to be fired. Perhaps the probation was just a bit of red tape that was required to get the process started of getting me out the door. However theories like this are full of paranoia and narcissism. I am trying to be a bit less self involved so I am choosing to not delve too deep down this path just now. Even if the evidence is there to support such thoughts.

So where does this leave me?

I am 30 and I have been down this road enough times that I am almost not even phased by making big life changes any longer. However I am also getting to the point that I do not think I have the energy for too many more of these. So I don't know exactly what to do. There is either something wrong with my work ethic or my personality that is causing me to only work places for about 3 years at time before moving on. Historically I have quit jobs after about this much time, this time the choice was out of my hands. Still it seems I may be looking forward to a life of constantly shifting jobs/homes/lifestyles. I may have adapted well to constant flux over the years but I crave stability now more than ever. I have had plenty of adventures in my life and I just want to sit back and enjoy the simple things. I just wish I knew where to start. I suppose as usual I will start at the only place I can, at the end. My time with this company may have come to an end but my journey continues on.

Onward, to the next adventure!

Falling Back...

My last major update about my own personal life on this here blog was about the optimism of summer. Well it seems much if not all of the optimistic attitude has faded from my life. Ron is not happy about the increase to minimum wage!

Lately I have, as I have many times before, been massively worried about my financial situation. This was bound to happen I suppose as my bills finally caught up with my part-time minimum wage job and have overtaken my life yet again. I don't know why I expected a company like Mcdonalds to really treat it's employees well at all. I guess I bought into all of the crap they tell you while hiring you about how much they care about you and want to see you succeed in the world. In the back of my head I knew then that they were full of shit but I was remaining blissfully ignorant at the time and hoped for the best. As it turns out they don't actually care and treat their employees how you would expect an evil mega-corporation to treat them, more or less like slaves. Is that too extreme? I think not, and I am sure it is not even that shocking as anyone can guess that would be the case. I worked hard, they told me I did good even "honored" me by making me employee of the month and then proceeded to shaft me by giving me less and less hours when I told them I could not afford to work there if I received any less hours than I was already receiving. Basically there is no reward for doing a good job at this company so I made a decision right then to stop doing a good job. Worst case scenario they fire me and I collect some nice rewarding unemployment, more likely scenario they continue to cut my hours more and more every week and my situation continues to worsen. It is obvious to me that Mcdonalds would have a higher quality work force if they paid their employees more and treated them better. A better work force would of course turn into a higher quality product which would result in more customers and in the end more money for them. Being a large corporation however, they will never go for such an action as cutting costs on labor provides a more immediate monetary boost where getting more customers might take some time, and they would have to take a hit on their bottom line until those customers start becoming loyal.

Then again maybe I was just spoiled working for a local business that paid decent wages and treated it's employees with respect. Times are changing and I shouldn't expect to work anywhere and be treated well anymore. That is just the state of things in this country now. Corporations own the government, corporations hate people, and in the end people are going to be sacrificed for the bottom line every time and sadly there is not much any of us people can do about it.

In any case I am looking for a second job, I have some leads that I am hopeful about. I will report back with more info when I get it. That is if I still can afford to pay for my internet...

On being happy...

Being happy for me is more difficult than most people probably realize. When I go to work, hang out with my friends, or am otherwise in public I put on a little happy show. I play the part of a jovial fat man who just happens to love life and everything in it. People like the happy Ian, and I just happen to enjoy having people like me. In reality, I do love the world and everything in it, so the character is not entirely fictional. However I am not always happy. Whenever I think in depth about my life as a whole I feel empty. I am 24 and literally have less than nothing of value in this world. Monetary value at least. I dont own a car, a house, even a computer. Most of my clothes are years old and I dont even have too many of them. I rent a room in a house that I share. I share a single size bed every night with my gf, which isn't so bad other than the fact that it isn't even a comfortble bed.

My paychecks barely cover my rent, they don't cover the amount of day to day bills that I have at all. So I get behind, which really would not be that scary if it was only recent debt.

I also live with the fact that when I was 18 I took advantage of my natural good credit and have two unpaid credit cards and one old loan from Dell. Two of these debts are suing me now, though I don't know which since all of my debt was apparently bought by other companies.

If my wages ever got garnished I would be out a place to live, which means that I would have to move, which means I would have to quit my job. The cycle would never break.

Inside my life feels like I am walking down this dark tunnel, running from my past. The lights in the tunnel get dimmer as I go on. There is no indication of the lights becoming bright again, in my heart I sense that the tunnel was a mistake to begin with and that it must only lead to a cell or a untimely death.

I can only hope the tunnel actually somehow leads to an exit and I can escape this misery. That scenario just seems so unlikely right now.

In summary, I am only human. I cannot withstand all darkness like I lead people to believe. I am sure we all get like this sometime. Suffering and enduring is the nature of being human. I just want a break, some relief. Will I get what I want? Only time will tell.

Thank you for reading my emo rant...