baby

Fatherhood Incoming by Ian Hill

My baby boy is due in less than two months. My nerves are wracked, my body is frazzled, and my anxiety is at an all time high. I know it sounds typical but I do not feel ready for this and I am not sure how to make my brain react appropriately. All new parents say that though, at least that is what everyone tells me. I suppose that is meant to be some type of consolation that I am not the only person to have these kinds of fears but I still have them even knowing that they are common.

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The last time I posted to this blog was when the baby was only ten weeks old inside his mother. So much has happened since then, yet no time seems to have passed at all. First, we know he is a boy now. We also know what his first name is going to be, Oliver. We are still un-decided on a middle name but we do want him to take our last name “Hill”.

Oliver Hill, he is going to be great. Not that every child is not great, but I am super excited to meet this one in particular. The happiness that thinking about him gives me is usually enough to alleviate the stress of everything else happening in life right now. However the closer we get to the due date the more I realize I am not prepared for the massive life changes that are coming. I don’t know if I will be able to keep my current job, as the company I work for is not willing to work with me on a different schedule after the baby is born. Thankfully I do get a full month off for paternity leave so that will give me a little bit of time to prepare for the worst and find something new if I need to. The thought of a new job and a new baby all at once is just overwhelming my anxiety in ways that are hard to describe. It probably does not help that I type these words while my brain is foggy with a head cold.

My whole life I have craved for somebody to come around and just make everything better. I know that is not something realistic to ever hope for but it sure would be nice. I feel like I have been fighting for as long as I have been alive. Yes, most of that fighting has been against my own demons but the fighting that hurts is when I have to fight to fit into society. I have never been good at that. I think I was born with a chip on my shoulder, perhaps I got that chip instead when I was broken as a child. Either way I really want to be able to just be happy with mediocrity and be able to not worry about all the things going on in the world. I long for the ability to shut my mind down and dive into mindless soul-sucking work with glee. Things would be so much simpler if I did not have to think all the time.

Do thinking those thoughts make me a bad person? Maybe. I know that to be strong I need to face the world and all the darkness it brings while still maintaining my decency. I try every day to do what feels right to those around me, even when it is not the easiest or best thing for my interests. I do not always succeed at this, but when I do I can at least feel a little better about myself. I hate myself for falling too deep into my mind until the point where it tortures me, but I love myself for how deep my mind can go and how creative it makes me. Silencing my mind would take away all the good with all the bad. I just don’t know if that is better for me or not.

I lost the plot on this one. I am going to post it anyway but maybe just not share it on social media. If you stumbled upon this, I am fine, just super stressed out and not knowing what to do next.

Ian and out!

The Seed Shall Come by Ian Hill

Consider this an announcement of sorts. Since I have sworn off posting anything too personal directly to social media I have not talked much in length publicly about the news that I will soon be a father. Honestly it is hard to know what to say that has not already been said by countless fathers countless times.

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All I know is that I am super excited, and that feeling is strange. When I was younger I never even thought I would have children. People always tell you that when you find the right person you will change your mind. Those people were right. However finding that common wisdom is true is a double edged sword to me. Another common bit of wisdom you hear often is that men are destined to become their fathers. If that is true then I fear for my child. Those that know me already are aware of my own struggles with my family, if you are not one of those people I will just summarize it as follows. I have been on a lifelong quest to prove that not all men are destined to become their fathers. Take that how you will.

My wife, Kim, and I only just recently started to try to have a child. We were told by the doctors that it may take months for her hormones to balance after removing her implanted birth control device. It turns out they were either way off on their estimate or my sperm and her eggs were just raring for a chance to re-produce. It only took a couple of “attempts” and suddenly we were pregnant. To say that we thought we would have at least a little more time to figure this out would be an understatement. It was good news nonetheless. Sure there are worries and anxieties about the process, the same ones I am sure every expectant parent has going into this adventure but those concerns pale in comparison to the joy I get when I think about the beautiful baby that is brewing my my best friends belly. I really don’t have the words to express how trans-formative this experience has been for me mentally even this early into the process. Every decision I make now is suddenly made under the consideration of a completely new and un-born life that is on the way. How will this effect our plans for the pregnancy? How might this impact or finances after the baby is born? Questions that I never considered before now flood my head and interject their way into my thought patterns. This is a good thing, I can sense the positive change in my mind and body taking form.

I will likely write much more on this subject in the future. We have not even had our first appointment with the OBGYN yet so we are still early stages to be sure. Plenty of more news and excitement to come. If you are friend or family and you want to wish us well feel free to give us a call or drop me a text. We are happy to share our joy with all.

Our First Child… Peppy, in his natural environment..

Our First Child… Peppy, in his natural environment..